a blog about depression, anxiety, and writing
Everyday is this battle. And I'm tired. All the time. I wake up exhausted. Sometimes, because I can't seem to escape my demons even in my dreams; other times, because as soon as I start to wake up I am all too aware of the fact that I have yet another day ahead of me. You see, it's hard for me to have hope that today is going to be a good day when I haven't had a good day in such a long time - I can't even remember the last "good" day I had. Hell, I can't even remember the last time I was truly (or even sort of, kind of) "happy".
And so, I wake up already tired, but knowing that I have to fight through this day; knowing that I need to function as much as I possibly can, knowing I need to try my hardest not to give in to the urges, the desires, the wants, the needs, the lies that depression and anxiety implanted in my head over 10 years ago. I am exhausted from fighting to stay alive everyday; from surviving, enduring, breathing, socializing, functioning... I am tired. I am tired when I go to bed at night, and yet that doesn't always mean I'll be able to fall asleep easily or sleep soundly.
But I have to keep fighting. And I will. I'll put on my "happy mask" when I walk out the door in the morning and, as much as that sucks, I'll do it anyway.
Everyday is a battle. And, as the years go by, it gets harder to fight; but I will, and I have to. I'll endure. I'll survive. I'll fight. But it's hard, there's no doubt about it.
But we have to keep fighting, even when fighting is waking up each morning; even when our biggest accomplishment that day is taking a shower and eating some food. Because, for me, those things can be really difficult.
Depression, anxiety, mental illness - they make us fighters, survivors, strugglers, warriors. Even though it doesn't usually feel that way.
I am a poet. A writer. A student. A fighter. A survivor. I use writing as a means to understand my world, my experiences, my struggles. I use writing to cope, to escape, to help myself and others, and to relive.